Oscar’s first night with us, almost 15 years ago, was of its time. Totally inexperienced in the language of dog, we left our poor puppy, separated from his parents and litter siblings for the first time, alone downstairs in his crate to cry all night. Actually I have a vivid memory of not being able to bear his plaintive yapping any longer and, at 4.30 am, sitting on the cold, then cramped, kitchen floor, my back propped up against the stainless steel fridge door, drowsily soothing my puppy to sleep as he snuggled up to my thigh. Letting them “cry it out” because it was the “only way that they’ll learn,” was the prevailing wisdom of the time. Even in those days, with no prior experience of the bundle of emotions that is a dog, I thought it unnecessarily cruel.

Thankfully, times have changed. Much research has been done on animal sentience in the last few years, and the phenomenon of poorly-socialised pandemic lockdown puppies has fed into scientific thoughts on puppy development. Having forgotten most of the research I did for Oscar, I signed up to a puppy course that features non-aversive ACE, Animal Centered Education. So just as we no longer leave a baby to cry alone in its room as apparently they did in the 1960s – for the record controlled crying never worked in the 2000s with Ms Eliza – so “crying it out” is no longer the progressive way to train a puppy. The thinking goes that the puppy eventually stops crying not because they have suddenly abandoned their fear and loneliness and become a “good” puppy, but that they have learned that there’s no point in crying because nobody will come to soothe or look after them, a phenomenon also seen in neglected children and emotionally shut-down adults. I’m no psychologist so I’ll stop there but you get the idea, I’m sure, and why I’d want to avoid this. Oscar and I were strongly bonded but I realise now that at least part of this bond was from caution and resignation and that he loved me despite my parenting flaws, which is dogs all over, really. I want to do better with Fergus.

Now, the early days of ACE involve NEVER letting a puppy cry and being present at all times to reassure and soothe your puppy and become their new focus of attachment as soon as possible. I had a friend who Velcro-parented her second child, and carried her around in her arms at all times. Though admitting that that sort of constant cling was not for me, I envied the closeness of mother and child, and this, Dear Reader, is how I come to be spending the nights this week on a thin, single air mattress on my slate kitchen floor, next to Fergus’s playpen so if he cries in the night I can reach out and stroke him to reassure him. I haven’t had much sleep. There are shadows under my eyes and I’m too tired to do much during the day.

Oh, the horror this scenario induces in some people! It’s akin to how some grandparents view their children’s differing views on whether daytime television or a chocolate bar will irrevocably harm their grandchildren. “Never did mine any harm,” they say. Well, how do you know? Because how can you ever prove a negative? Possibly it didn’t do Oscar much harm but I want to do better with Fergus.

I think back to 27 years ago, when I was struggling with the stress of being a new first-time mother, anxious to do my best for my son but going through the motions of motherhood out of duty because I had not bonded with him. I was struggling to feed him and he was starving before my eyes and crying and crying. I was told by the Health Visitor to take him to bed and rest in a “babymoon,” until I had recovered from the stress of the outside world and moving into a new house and my milkflow was restored. How practical is that, though? How does it fit into the modern world? Well in my case it just didn’t and a few weeks later my GP insisted that I switch imediately to bottle feeding with formula milk. To this day I feel that this was a failure and perhaps my puppy-centered experiement stems from a determination not to fail again. I don’t know.

This week has felt similar to that horrible time. I have been weepy, exhausted, overwhelmed and not finding it easy to keep the situation in proportion. I know that this sounds pathetic but it is easy to forget that this stage lasts only a few weeks in dogs, unlike in babies. Tears of inadequacy welled in my eyes during my first online puppy class. But it has got better. And last night Fergus did not even wake up when I needed the loo and slept right through until just before 5am.

The idea that this approach builds a secure, confident puppy, who knows that he can rely on you is supposed to prevent separation anxiety and aid training. Fully-grown, he’ll be a big lad, and given how the suburban dog-walking environment has changed for the worse, in my opinion, it’s imperative that my dog trusts and listens to me and is happy to be led by me. I’m not exaggerating when I say that it could save his life. I can see the logic of Animal Centered Education, and I can witness Fergus’s growing confidence so I’ll persevere.