Why is it so difficult for me to practise my singing?
I finally managed to do some practice today after weeks of virtually no singing. Why is it so hard to do the thing that I love over nearly everything else in my life?
I seem to have lost most of my momentum in the last couple of months. Perhaps it’s because of the building work that’s STILL going on. It wasn’t so difficult when the builders were mainly working outside but it’s very off-putting to sing opera accompanied through your headphones when only a flimsy partition door separates your trilling from the labourers. Maybe they like opera. If they do, that makes it even worse.
The allergies don’t help. I’ve been waking up each morning with a burning throat and my nose is blocked a lot of the time, and that’s hardly conducive to breath control, let alone properly functioning vocal folds. I’m pretty cautious about singing when I have a sore throat because of having lost my voice for such a long time a few years ago and having to start learning from scratch.
I noticed this morning that my next door neighbour still has golden rod, a known allergen for me, growing in his garden, a matter of a few feet under my bedroom window. Apparently it is illegal to grow golden rod in Canada for this very reason. I’ll bet that’s setting me off. I’m wondering whether I can ask him to cut it down. He’ll probably refuse.
So essentially, knowing that I’ll be rubbish and that I’ll be even more rubbish if I don’t practise, I shy away from practice because I’m frightened that I’ll be rubbish. There perfection/paralysis conundrum runs deep with most of us in our family. It’s not helped because I can’t really hear whether I’m singing completely in tune and then I worry about this which creates tension, which outs me out of tune. It’s a vicious circle. I’ve decided that I need to be in the moment more but that’s quite difficult when there is potential for so many distractions and interruptions.
MsDD reassures me that all musicians feel this way but I’m not convinced. I know that anyone who is serious about their music practises for hours every day and that I need to do at least an hour a day but it’s often so difficult to fit it in. Especially in the holidays. Especially when we have various workmen in. (Wouldn’t it be nice if, just occasionally, there would be woman there too among the men?)
Urgency has appeared in the shape of a singing lesson looming on Wednesday and a recital rehearsal two days after that. The latter will require some thought to make poor Mad Bess a little more deranged; I’m hoping that I can practice the opera technique before Wednesday. The acoustic in the new kitchen favours me with its echo and our builder has promised to install the Sonos system this week, so that should help. I do hope that next week’s decorator likes Richard Strauss.