Abraham Lincoln
I was four years old when my dad told me, “Before you say something, you have to think of how it will make people feel when you say it.” It was good advice and I call it the Think/Say filter. Essentially, there are things we think and things we say and that it’s not always a good idea to say out loud the things we’re thinking.
We can’t help what we think about people or things, but the decision to share our thoughts with others in a conscious choice. Now, we might employ the Think/Say filter to avoid hurting others either with a comment about their beauty (or lack thereof) or their intelligence (or lack thereof) or their taste. Or it might be that we have an opinion that could be considered unpopular or just plain wrong. We might not be absolutely sure of our facts, for example. The quote up there sums this up quite neatly I think.
There are people who don’t seem to understand the concept of the Think/Say filter. It might be because they genuinely don’t understand there import of their words or it could be that they come from a more direct culture. You know how the Dutch don’t ever close their curtains? I know Germans and Swedes for whom saying exactly what one means, honestly, is paramount and some of the things they say don’t go down well in a culture accustomed to hyper-politesse and tact.
Some people, however, seem to revel in “telling it like it is.” They can be as rude or inconsiderate or hurtful as they like under the pretext of straightforwardness or, even, integrity. Such people can wreak havoc on people around them, sometimes unwittingly, sometimes glorying in their no filter straight talk. They’re not banged to rights when they’re surrounded by those who value diplomacy, so they seem to get away with all sorts of things while the people around them shrug their shoulders and say “Oh, that’s just them.”
Generallly, I have a pretty strong Think/Say filter. I wouldn’t ever go out of my way to offend someone, of course, and it’s a good habit to practise. But sometimes, just sometimes, I long to be rid of it. Especially with those people who don’t have a filter.
What do you think would happen if we stopped using our filters?
“That’s a really uninformed thing to say and it’s made you look stupid.”
“Yes, your bum does look big in that but it’s not the skirt. It’s because your bum is big.”
“I wish you’d stop going on about your blessed child prodigy. We’ve all been there and done that already. Do you really think that you’re that special?”
“This soup is lumpy and cold. Your food is never nice. Have you ever tried actually reading that recipe?”
“Your idealism wouldn’t work for anyone outside that bubble of yours but you’re too removed from reality to understand that.”
“I’m fed up with your rude behaviour towards me and I’m only here for the sake of appearances.”
“Your breath stinks and you’re dreadfully dull.”
“You’re an awful driver and I’m both embarrassed and afraid to get in the car with you.”
“Your inability to dance betrays completely your lack of prowess between the sheets”
Well, perhaps not. I could go on, but I shan’t. I wonder what life would be like if everyone dropped their Think/Say filter. Would a completely honest world be a better one?
Personally I prefer a little finesse, a little charm, in people’s dealings with me but too much oleaginousness and my Think/Say filter detects disingenuousness and I stop believing people.
Should we all just say what we think? If we don’t does that make us hypocrites or liars? Are courtesy and manners modesty screens for a personality that’s too cowardly to tell the truth?
I don’t know. What do you think?
I just love those examples you have given. Makes me think of Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm. I do think a totally brutally honest world would be harsh indeed, but too much politeness and insincerity is not helpful either. Sometimes people need a reality check. The trick is finding the balance, being able to be as truthful as tactfully as possible. Mind you, don’t you find that the people who pride themselves for their “tell it as it is” honesty are the same people that if you told them exactly what you think of them, would take umbrage and not heed a word you say?
Definitely. In fact that was a point I was going to make and forgot. Derrrr.
Agree with James: great examples. It is about striking a balance but I err on the side of not saying it for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. I don’t think that’s hypocritical. On the other hand, it could be argued that by telling someone they’re a dreadful driver you are doing them, and others, a service. The same goes for bad breath.
I agree Annette. And It’s a minefield. But sometimes, well, you know…
I feel I should add that the examples were just made up ones. Off the top of my head.
Ironically, it is the very same people who promulgate the: ”Freedom of Speech/Katie Hopkins can say what she likes and so can I” who are the same ones who, if you EVER say what you think of them to them, have a meltdown. (I am thinking of a certain bloke on here who is now blocked off my site). Yes, of course we need to be careful, especially somewhere where the recipient can’t see you are ‘teasing’. I usually run it by the ‘would I like my daughter to have this said to her’ filter. If the answer is no, I don’t say it to anybody. Mind, there are a few individuals who need to develop a slightly less wimpy attitude… if you are going to expose yourself to the Twittersphere, you will get nasty stuff said. In the real world, if it was a friend, I wouldn’t hesitate to say, gently, if I felt there was a problem. And I’d expect the same back.One of my best mates warned me off a man I fancied (in the past) She was the only one to do so – and risked my wrath at the time. And 6 months down the line – she proved right! Huge respect!
There you are. I told you that you’d have an opinion!
This is one of the things I’m most often raging about these days and I agree with you and the others.
Although I’m quite outspoken and often tactless in life, I firmly believe that honesty should be tempered with kindness as much as possible. It’s just good manners. I loathe this current culture where the likes of Katie Hopkins and Jeremy Clarkson are lauded as heroes for “telling it like it is”, when really they’re just ill mannered show offs who didn’t have their backsides smacked enough as children. Columnists like Sarah Vine and Amanda Platell are just as bad, sniping spitefully as they pretend to be writers. There’s a time and place for bitching and it shouldn’t be ok in the public eye masquerading as journalism. I’ve often fought the desperate urge to attack Hopkins with as many obscenities as I can in 140 characters.
I’m far from perfect and have ended up apologising many times for expressing an opinion but I think it’s a hideous turn in society where people are proud of being rude instead of being proud of being kind and polite.
Oh sweetie. I so agree. But why did this make me laugh so hard?
Probably because you can sense my foot stamping! X
haha
So sorry, I am dreadfully late with my reply.
I agree with the other comments …..it is a fine balance.
I have always tried to be tactful and kind ….what is the point of hurting someone’s feelings ? However, if I see a close friend making a dreadful mistake (in my opinion) …I will try to find some way of gently voicing my thoughts.
But, strangely, as I get older, I find I am becoming less tolerant and sometimes really want to scream at people and highlight their stupidity/ignorance/rudeness/intolerance etc. …..And this is mainly on so-called SOCIAL media ….where I find many people are anything but ‘social’.
And YES ….the offending folk are the ones who take umbrage at any criticism of themselves.
One or two people spring, immediately, to mind…..but I am much too polite to mention their names …………..
Oh, totally. Keep your eyes peeled, Rosie. I’m returning to this theme!