I was excited by the news about your current drive to recruit from a wider talent pool, extending it to reach older women and those from visible ethnic minorities.  I’ve been banging on about diversity for most of my adult life. I’m particularly pleased that you are keen to explore the hitherto untapped resource of parents, mainly women, it has to be said, returning to the employment market after taking career breaks to raise their children or look after elderly or disabled relatives. There are plenty of us well qualified women in our prime about, and we have so much to contribute so well done you!

Anyway, I’d like to apply please. Here’s my CV:


Academic qualifications:

9 O levels; 3 A levels; BA (Hons) Chinese; MBA in International Business and Export Management.

Not much STEM there, but three valuable languages and an understanding of the workings of both manufacturing industry and international finance, which could be quite useful if, say, I were trying to understand how naughty people might target strategic manufacturing sites.


Work experience pre-career break:

Travel agent and tour operator; major industrial consumables conglomerate; major professional association; management consultancy in human resources; advertising agency; management consultancy in advertising. So, all sorts of experience in all sorts of places then. Might be a good cover.


Work experience mid-career break: voluntary with vulnerable adults and perky children


That’s all the technical stuff but I consider that my ten or so years in domestic management have brought me transferable skills that would make a valuable contribution to your work. For example:

Listening and analytical abilities: An ability to listen to all sides of an argument and read between the lines to find out what’s really going on. I have come to know fairly quickly when someone is lying and that’s half the battle. Then all I have to do is find the proof.

Debating and persuasive skills: So much better, and cheaper, than violence, don’t you think?

Good verbal and written communication skills: I can tell a beautifully embellished story (doing all the voices) and write a sharp letter to a teacher. I’m sure these skills would be useful for writing and presenting reports on felons.

Ability to blend into the background: I’m an older woman, therefore automatically invisible. No-one will expect me to be a secret agent and I’ll blend easily into the background.

Style:  Conversely, I can apply flicky eyeliner and wear heels and a frock to sashay with the best of them. I anticipate that I would spend the majority of my time doing this.

Linguistic flexibility: Apart from the aforementioned foreign language skills, I’m good at keeping up with modern linguistic usage. I can actually understand da yoot (most of the time), which would be handy for keeping tabs on trainee bad people.

Organisation: I’m very good at running a diary and juggling a lot of tasks simultaneously. I have a feeling these skills would be quite useful for you.

Technological savvy: I can keep up with all the developments Q can throw at me. A boat that turns into a pen at the flick of a switch? No problem.

Acute perceptiveness: I can spot and deal with a hostile move on my family from 100 paces. How I do that will have to remain my secret for the time being.

Endless patience: I can follow my prey for hours, years even before I move in and apprehend them.

Resourcefulness: My ability to conjure up a nutritious meal or a World Book Day costume from next to nothing would be cost-effective for the tax payer. I could be a master of disguise. I wouldn’t need to be accommodated in luxury hotels or claim expenses for expensive designer gowns although I would, obviously, be perfectly at home in these environments.

Social media expertise: I’m already monitoring Twitter and FB for unusual activity so why not pay me to do it?

Resilience: I am able to take all that life throws at me and deal with it. I could, for example, chase baddies in a tank across a hot desert location, crawl through endless dripping damp tunnels and creep around dim corridors and still emerge perfectly groomed in time for an Embassy cocktail party.

Driving skills: Years of chauffeuring younglings about have made me excellent at driving. I bet I could do a chase without crashing all of those Astons. As long as it was at about 30mph.

Musical ability: handy for my cover. I could sing an opera aria on stage whilst simultaneously keeping an eye out for any suspicious conversations among audience members wearing minuscule microphones and earpieces.


I do hope that the above aptitudes and competences will assist you in considering me for a position that becomes available in the Secret Intelligence Services.


Love and kisses