Preface

Hello, lovely readers of my Mum’s blog.

As you may or may not know I have posted two items on this blog before (although you probably won’t know this as I posted them a couple of years ago). I have a love of writing and I feel I should write as often as possible, but busyness keeps me from committing to a certain project for too long!

A lovely lady from Upper Street Shoes , see in other posts in this blog, came to interview my mother and me, and as photos were being taken, I asked my mother, ‘If your shoes had personalities, what would they be like?’ This preceded the conception of an amusing idea to write a short-ish story on this very idea. For example, Hippolyte is a shoe that has a high-ish heel with crystals on the front. It seemed to me that this would be a very posh, slightly snobbish shoe, and I proceeded to think of more personalities for more shoes.
So here it is, I hope you enjoy, there is mild swearing at one point near the end, but if you can read my mother’s review ’50 Shades of Garbage’ and understand what the she’s referencing, I don’t think the words will disturb you too much.

Enjoy!
Miss Darling Daughter xxx

P.S. No, I don’t know how they hold up their glasses. Maybe it’s magic. Yeah. I’ll go with that. It’s magic.

 

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The setting is a Cocktail party at Hippolyte’s house. Jane is drinking a tumbler of tap water, Hippolyte sips a Martini, Ocean has a Bloody Mary, Electra holds a glass of whisky and Dorothy has a simple glass of red wine. In the corner, Crusilla is sipping a Mojito that Hippolyte had practiced making for this very occasion. Smooth jazz plays in the background and the friendly murmur of mingling guests adds to the chilled ambience in the living room. The five friends eventually converge in a circle and catch up …

 

Hippolyte: almost shrilly Well, this is simply marvellous! We simply must do this more often!

Jane: startled Y…yes. It is quite nice, isn’t it, Electra?

Electra: Mmmh hmm. We had a DD a bit like this the other day.

Dorothy: DD?

Electra: Drinks do. That’s what we call them at Head Office.

Jane giggles. Electra raises her snakeskin stripe at her.

Jane: apologetically Well… It’s just so stylish and trendy when you talk about your Head Office, what with you working at the Stiletto and all that…

Ocean sniffs

Hippolyte: Oh, Ocean, darling! You simply must admit that it is rather exciting!

Ocean: It’s not that I’m not pleased for you, Electra. I’d just hate to be enclosed in an office like that, with my creativity trapped in glass and steel. I don’t think my soul could cope, it could be weighed down by the deals and money, never to soar through the pollution that surrounded it, drowning in Powerpoint presentations and emails… silence ensues

Dorothy: So… Hippolyte, how was your holiday?

Hippolyte: brightens It was simply one of the most divine experiences of my life, darling! Rupert and I adored Shoe York, the sights and the sounds were to die for! The hotel had a buffing and polish treatment center and not a speck of grass in sight!

Ocean: What airline did you use? I’d like a bit of luxury for my next trip. I was thinking of taking part in a protest in Shoesbekistan. The human rights issues there are too unignorable to ignore anymore!

Hippolyte: with a false smile Ocean, darling. Let’s not get political now, you might upset my little cocktail party! I insist that everyone has a simply glorious time, and maybe get a little squiffy!

Jane: giggling Well, I wouldn’t know about that…looks over at Crusilla Oh dear.

Electra: checking her phone She’s really gone for it tonight, hasn’t she? Dorothy pointedly coughs. Electra mimes ‘what?’

Hippolyte: laughing nervously She’ll be fine! I know you two had a shaky start, but it must be such fun living with her, Jane. Isn’t it?

Jane: taken aback Oh, um, yes, I suppose it is. Although, I do wonder…

Hippolyte: I thought so! Although I haven’t seen you in that wonderful red insole in quite a while? I suppose you’ve no need for fancy clothes anymore, having bagged such an eccentric girl like that, eh?
She laughs a little too hard

Electra: to Dorothy How much has she had?

Dorothy: I’ve no idea. As they converse, Ocean gives a slightly tipsy lecture on the importance of a clean mind in relation to clothing items

Electra: quietly We have to keep her away from talking to Jane about Crusilla.

Ocean: -and my last psychic used to say-

Dorothy: Well, you know how she gets. She’s tactless even when she’s sober!

Ocean: -and I find that bright orange is important to my star sign-

Electra: She needs to stand up to Crusilla. She hasn’t been the same since they started living together. She used to be almost as loud as Hippolyte.

Dorothy: I don’t want her to hear us. C’mon lets go to the loo.

Ocean:- but homeopathy has really helped me! It can clear up your skin blotchiness in to time.

Hippolyte: offended I didn’t think I had any-

Dorothy: loudly I think I might just go and powder my nose.

Electra: replying to a text I think I might join you.

The two shoes leave for the toilet in silence. Jane thinks for a bit and leaves after them, unnoticed.

Electra: Oh don’t be like that, you now I’m right.

Dorothy: I suppose you are. But what can we do?

Electra: Tell her to suck it up and dump her! Crusilla has pushed her down for too long! She needs a shoe to look after her and bring out the platform heel of her personality, not crush it into ballet flats!

Jane: behind them WHAT did you say?

The pair turn around, shocked.

Dorothy: Jane, I’m sorry.

Jane: So that’s what you really think.

Dorothy: Jane..

Jane: Well…this…this is just…

Electra: Jane…

Jane: elated This is fantastic! Finally, it’s not just me that sees it! I thought I was just being hyper-sensitive! I hate her, she makes my life miserable! I haven’t had a bloody glass of wine in seven years, because she didn’t want me to! Seven years! Do you know how long that is? And wearing this brown leather constantly! I mean, nude is good for occasions, but all the bloody time! She turns to Electra. Give me that! She downs the remnants of Electra’s whisky in one.

Electra: alarmed Woah! Slow down, Jane!

Jane: spluttering, hoarsely What is that?

Electra: Whisky.

Jane: Fair enough. I am not going to be oppressed any more! Crusilla has got the better of me for the last time! No more arriving back at midnight, no more smells of perfume that isn’t mine, no more shy Jane and no more arriving back at midnight!

Electra: You said that already. Have you eaten tonight?

Jane shakes her head

Dorothy: Maybe you should sit down…

Jane : No! I am making a sand. Stand. Sand. Stand!
Jane begins to advance towards the living room, her heel shaking slightly.

Dorothy: Wait! Jane! What are you going to do?

Jane: slurring her speech Something I should have three years ago done. Is that the line?

Dorothy: panicking Jane!

Electra: Let her go, Dorothy. Either, Crusilla will leave or she’ll realise how horrid she’s being and soften up. Personally I hope it’s the former, but either way, I think what Jane is about to do has to be done, even if she needs to be slightly pissed to do it.

The two shoes follow Jane into the living room.

Ocean:-and your stitching really can tell your future, I swear-

Jane: EVERYBODY SHUT UP! I have something to snay. Say.

Hippolyte: Jane, dear. Whatever is the m-

Jane: Shhsshhhshshshhshshhh. Shhsshs. Sh.

Hippolyte: Oh, Jane, you simply must calm down! Everybody’s staring, dear.

Jane: I want them to stare. Crusilla! Crusilla looks up from across the room, surrounded by laughing guests

For seven years, you have made my life dull and uninteresting. If I weren’t for the friends I met at Shoeniversity, and the posh one, my life would be unbearable. You’re the most horrible person in the whole Shoeniverse and I’m leaving you.

Crusilla: hissing angrily What are you talking about? You’re making a complete fool of yourself!

Hippolyte: Shrilly Rupert, maybe you should bring out some…

Jane: I won’t stand for it anymore! I’m going to find the right shoe for me instead of..of settling for less!

Hippolyte: flustered Who wants a game of charades?

Crusilla: outraged You, madam, are acting like a complete and utter Croc!

An astonished silence falls over the room

Hippolyte: My goodness! How dare you say that to my dear friend!

Ocean: That is not cool!

Electra: Even I don’t use that word!

Dorothy: And that’s saying something!

Jane: softly Get out. You can clear your polish from my house tomorrow.

Crusilla leaves in silence

Jane: turning to Hippolyte I have to say, this is the best cocktail party I have ever been to! have you got any gin?

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