Dear Lillian,


You don’t know me but, having listened to your adventures for a long, long time now, I just had to write to tell you how concerned I am for your happiness if you carry on with Paul or, as we’re now used to calling him, Creeepy Dull Paul. Did you not notice any creepiness when you got together when Matt was staying with Her Majesty? I suppose you felt used, neglected, lonely, vulnerable. Matt was distracted, working too hard, often away. And as if by magic Creepy Paul swooped in and made you feel special again. You were bored and went looking for fun. Well, no-one’s perfect and I’m not going to judge you. Haven’t we all longed for a little excitement?

At first Creepy Paul made an effort where you’d felt taken for granted and took you to Cheltenham and bought you lovely clothes. But did you not pick up at that point that there was something controlling about him? Really? We were all wondering, you see. And then there was the lacklustre Weekend in Watford over which everyone seems to be drawing a dismal veil. Wasn’t that a warning that there was an end in sight to the glamour?

That time when Paul took you to Felpersham races, JUST DOWN THE ROAD,  to show you off and he had no concern whatsoever that you might be seen and get into trouble with Borchester Land and Amside and Matt! Do you remember? We were all screaming “Run, Lillian, run.” What a thoughtless man he is! And he’s continued in the same manner, lying to you, controlling you, getting needier and needier just to get back at ex-wife Celia.

And Matt, having sensed something was wrong, and then having found out about Paul, has woken up to your unhappiness and is trying to do something about it. OK, he’s no angel, but he’s spontaneous and he has money that he’s happy to lavish on you. And, in his rough-diamond way, he loves you. You live in a nice house and have lots of holidays and you can be a cow to poor long-suffering Brenda with total impunity. Is that, perhaps, why you were so careless about leaving your phone around, and not setting it to silent? Because you wanted Matt to suspect something and take more notice of you? Well, it certainly worked.

Step back, Lilan. Tale a long hard look at this. You’re a big girl and you’ve been here before. Is it really what you want: a needy, dull, whingeing liar? We at #TheArchers Tweetalong  have been yelling this at you for months now. No-one likes him. Think for a minute: why is it that he seems not to have any friends? How is it that you can’t see it? And with his creepy, controlling neediness, I’m sure the attributes *ahem* that have kept you with him this long have waned. It’s not so exciting being with a misery, is it? Surely the point of taking a lover is that he makes you feel better about yourself? That he makes you feel alive and lit from within? Not wishing you were anywhere else but with him? Why add yet another burden of threat and worry to your life, eh?

So we think you should ditch creepy, dull, controlling, needy, deeply unsympathetic Paul, truly a millstone around your neck. Do it now while you still can. Which one are you, Lils, in this game: a Pusscat or a mouse?


Yours in friendship